Bloody hell what a week we’ve had! It’s now been just over a week since schools up and down the UK closed their doors. In that week we’ve gone from chatting to other parents on the school run to being in almost total lockdown. Apart from our allotted once a day walk/cycle/run that is. And those friendly parents on the school run have now shown their true parenting in a pandemic personalities.
Parenting in a pandemic
It doesn’t matter how much you prepared for lockdown, or what image you had of parenting in a pandemic before actually parenting in a pandemic. (If that even ever crossed your mind that is.) Things definitely changed once the reality of school being out hit us.
Thanks to our newest enemies cabin fever and home schooling, it’s becoming pretty clear that there are distinctly different ways of parenting in a pandemic.
So, which parent are you?
The organised one
This type of parent is easy to spot. They have colour-coded storage boxes filled with every conceivable craft supply, age-appropriate home learning materials from birth to 18 years, and have puzzles that aren’t missing pieces.
It’s likely this type of parent also has a colour-coded timetable, perfectly organising a range of activities and home learning tasks for their children to do between 9am-3pm.
This type of parent has been waiting for the day their organisation pays off, and absolutely relishes the opportunity of parenting in a pandemic.
The one with all the hobbies
On hearing schools were about to close, this type of parent went straight to Hobbycraft in search of all the materials they’d need for a bunch of projects they don’t know how to do.
Their timeline/Instagram is filled with pictures of their knitting, crocheting, painting, sculpting, collating and printing endeavours. The shot of their ‘supplies’ looks like they’ve exchanged a year’s salary for their own haberdashery.
Yes we’re all very impressed with the skills you learnt from YouTube, but parenting in a pandemic is hard enough without trying our new intricate hobbies thank you.
The one with all the theories
Is the pandemic orchestrated by Disney+ ? Is this pandemic a conspiracy to make people do an hour’s exercise a day and feel like they’re rebelling against the Government?
Or is the pandemic just an excuse to make us all stay inside so we don’t notice essential maintenance being carried out on the mainframe?
But this type of parent shares every kind of theory they find from whichever crack pot website they’re a member of. With the only goal of sharing with as many people as they can to increase everyone’s paranoia. You’d be forgiven for wondering how they have time to do this, whilst constantly looking over their own shoulders in case they’re being watched by ‘those in the know’.
Come on theorists – parenting in a pandemic is hard enough without telling us that aliens landed one night, released COVID-19 in an attempt to take over our planet and then pissed off to an empty Disneyland for a holiday.
The one with all the booze
If you’re one of these types of parents, you probably did a booze-run before school closed, or have your own delivery set up to make sure you never run out. You laughed at the people fighting over toilet roll, as you sauntered over to the alcohol aisles.
This type of parent doesn’t care that we’ve been told not to drive unless strictly necessary. No, this type of parent thinks this is a great excuse to crack open the booze at 8am. You might even have a little rave in the kitchen with a glass of Prosecco and your child’s disco lamp. Well, it beats eating porridge and watching Good Morning Britain like normal eh?
This is the type of parent the rest of us want to be, but we’re too scared to attempt parenting in a pandemic with a hangover too.
Get on House Party with your friends with all the group chats and have yourselves a raucous party without leaving your house.
The one with the indoor gym
So panic buying toilet paper, craft supplies of alcohol wasn’t your thing huh? Did you think that being stuck indoors away from people for a few weeks/months was the perfect time to exist off cucumber water, cabbage soup and get fit? Maybe you actively participate in the Joe Wicks morning workouts, rather than sitting on the couch with a cuppa and just watching him.
Or maybe you have your whole family doing yoga poses in the garden, like the Beckhams? The rest of us are impressed with your dedication we promise, but we can’t like your photos whilst sipping hobnobs in your white wine. Because then we’d have to be hypocritical. And nobody wants that.
The one with the nerves
Hey you sitting there in a corner rocking. I see you. I am you. Hi 👋. This type of parent can’t stop reading the news, freaking out about the infected rate, the death rate and how long we might be on lockdown. This type of parent might refresh the government coronavirus page a few more times than is necessary a day. And watches the live press conferences every day. Internally panicking, externally not so much. We don’t want to frighten the children after all.
There’s no point telling any of us to relax, because this is a totally unprecedented period of time.
If this is you, maybe video chat one of your friends with all the booze. It’ll at least be entertaining.
The one with all the consoles
These guys are more than happy running through the imaginary island of Animal Crossing all day long. And why wouldn’t they? It’s unlimited outdoor space, with no lockdown rules. Although it does have Tom Nook who’s a bit of a dick.
Or maybe they’re perfectly their driving skills on MarioKart. Happily zooming past their kids with a skill honed over many years.
The absolute elite of this type of parent, has a whole cache of consoles at their disposal : Nintendo DS, PlayStation4, XboxOne, Nintendo Switch, etc. Nobody is going to be bored in that household. Elite gamers maybe, but never bored. Unless the WiFi drops, in which case, all hell is going to break loose.
The one with all the baking
This type is absolutely not fussed by the lack of bread and pasta in the shops. These parents are up at the crack of dawn making fresh bread, and their own pasta dough. They spend all afternoon making showstopper cakes with their children. Maybe these parents have children who listen, allowing them to enjoy bonding over cracking eggs.
It’s nice that you show us pictures of the finished showstoppers, but please, before we all drown ourselves in wine, show us how messy your kitchen gets too.
The one with all the patience
This group of parents is unnervingly calm about everything. They are ever so patient whilst their child has their 29th meltdown before breakfast over nothing. No raised voices or screeches of “give me a bloody minute!” from these guys. Nope, they are perfectly content parenting through every situation in a calm, composed, serene and let’s face it slightly smug way.
Parenting in a pandemic is a breeze to these guys.
The one with all the group chats
Aw you guys! Missing all your school run friends so badly, you spend hours on a group chat every day. You guys are cute. But how do you get your children to stop arguing long enough to have a long group chat? How do you manage to talk to another human being without someone screaming “there’s poo stuck to the toilet again” ?
Group chatting is great, it’s almost as good as being together. And if you all happen to be one of the parents with all the booze too, you’re in for a cracking night.
Use the filters, drink the wine and laugh until you can’t breathe. I personally can’t see a better way of parenting in a pandemic.
The one with all the TikToks
You guys know who you are. You have no problem using technology for the thing it was best designed for : making parodies and entertaining the rest of us. I bet you can do the Renegade in your sleep. Charlie Demilio has nothing on you.
Your house is like the Hype House, but with less skinny annoying teenagers.
Your kids might outwardly cringe when they see you making TikToks, but ignore them. You’ll get your own back on them as soon as you hit the ‘For you’ page or surpass their followers.
So come on then. Which parent type are you? Is it helping or hindering your parenting in a pandemic abilities? If you could switch with a different type which would you be? I am definitely one with the nerves, but I’d rather be the one with all the booze!