Push notifications for life?

I just picked up Emily’s phone and it had a notification on it from some game saying “Eliza tried to attack your village! Get revenge NOW!” And I thought, how great would it be if we got push notifications for life?
Can you imagine if your phone displayed a notification about something just before it happened?

Push notifications for life?

You could have :

Karen was talking shit about you on the school run again. Activate her personal hail cloud NOW!

Or

Ex husband has bought himself a new car without paying maintenance for the 7th year in a row. Steal all his coins NOW!

Or

The postman is 4 minutes away from pretending he knocked and leaving you one of those annoying ‘sorry we missed you cards’. Surprise him by opening the door NOW! 

Or

If you smile at that woman outside The Coop she’s going to ask you about your path to righteousness. You’ll waste 17 minutes of your life because you’re too polite to tell her to fuck off. Look away NOW! 

Or 

Don’t let the guy in the Peugeot out. The bastard is going to pinch the last space outside Iceland and you’ll have to park round the back. Speed up NOW! 

Or

Don’t touch that doorknob. It’s riddled with the Norovirus, and you’ll spend 6 days in a hellish cycle of constant vomit and diarrhoea from all 4 children, your washing machine will pack up and you’ll run out of coffee and have nothing to drown yourself in. Use the other door NOW! 

Or

You’re about to go into an unauthorised overdraft. Pay money in to your account NOW! 

Oh. Hang on, we already get that one.  

Or how about : 

The boys are back from a night out and are about to raid your fridge and eat all the bacon. Activate fridge lock NOW!

Or

Opening that 2nd bottle of gin might seem like a good idea now, but it’s 2am and you’ve got to report for Mum duties in about 4 hours. Switch to water NOW!

Or

Don’t engage with that bloke who looks nice over there. He hasn’t changed his bedsheets in 8 months, only brushes his teeth for special occasions and is so shit in bed it’s laughable. Look busy NOW! 

Or

If you drive down that road you’re going to hit a pot hole that’s going to knock your wheels out of alignment. Whichever garage you choose to help will try and rip you off for 4 new tyres you don’t need because you’re a girl. You’ll be too embarrassed to tell them to piss off and will then have to eat beans on toast for the next month. Turn left NOW! 

Or

Even though Jess said she isn’t going out tonight, she‘s going to beg you for a lift somewhere in 33 minutes time because she’s changed her mind and it’s raining. Don’t take your bra off NOW! 

Or

If you don’t feed yourself vegetables more often, your arteries are going to be lined with Brie. Eat a carrot NOW! 

Actually, maybe that last one wouldn’t be so much fun. 

What do you think? Would receiving push notifications about life be helpful? Be funny? Or really fucking creepy? 

I’m going with the latter, because I’m paranoid enough to sometimes think I’m on The Truman Show as it is. And I get enough anxiety from noises on my phone already. Which reminds me. I really should turn off push notifications from a hospital game one of the girls installed on my phone. It gives me a bloody fright every time it makes the flatlining sound. Especially when it happens in the middle of the night!

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