So, you’re starting to think you might be ready to have a baby then? Excellent. As someone who went blindly into the whole parenting/motherhood thing, take it from me, it’s not a piece of cake.
Think of this post as a kind of preparation exercise. If you successfully complete it, you can be sure you’re ready to have a baby.
Ready to have a baby ? Let’s see
By the end of this test, if you think you can handle every scenario, then go for it! You’re ready to have a baby.
Ready to have a baby : Test 1
How to prepare for early pregnancy.
1. Set your alarm for 6am.
2. Wake up 13 minutes before your alarm retching.
3. Run to the toilet, covering your mouth so you don’t puke all over the floor.
4. Spend the next 34 minutes leaning over the toilet throwing up bile.
5. Stand up and attempt to brush your teeth.
6. Return to the toilet to throw up because the toothpaste makes you sick.
7. Repeat steps 5 & 6 until you’re almost late for work.
8. Hurriedly get ready for work. Don’t forget to add your nappy sacks to your handbag for the journey.
9. Remove nappy sack from handbag and puke into it on your way in to work.
10. Arrive at work and be greeted by colleague telling you that you look like crap.
11. Smile sweetly whilst imagining whatever horrible scenario you’d most like to put your colleague in.
12. Try to work in between puking, delicately nibbling a ginger biscuit and cursing your partner for doing this to you.
13. Lunchtime. Try to eat something without throwing it back up again. Maybe have a snooze instead. Pregnancy is exhausting.
14. Go for your 17th wee of the day.
15. Wonder where all the wee is coming from considering you can’t hold anything down.
16. Spend the afternoon counting down how many days until your first scan, and crying at the thought of seeing your baby for the first time.
17. Go home, get straight into your pjs and idly scan through various baby related websites.
18. Force yourself to eat something. Then throw it up. Surprise! Morning sickness doesn’t just happen in the morning.
19. Go to bed, and then get up again 11 minutes later for another wee.
20. Alternate sleeping and weeing all night long until 13 minutes before your alarm goes off.
21. Question why you thought you were ready to have a baby.
Repeat until about week 12/13 of your pregnancy. (If you’re lucky.)
Ready to have a baby : Test 2
How to prepare for months 4-7 of pregnancy.
1. Wake up one morning and realise you haven’t puked yet.
2. Feel strange sensation in your belly and wonder if it’s the baby moving.
3. Realise it’s hunger. Something you haven’t felt for months.
4. Try to find something you fancy eating, but realise you don’t have any pickled onion monster munch or Vienetta.
5. Cry. Because you can’t stop thinking about pickled onion monster munch or Vienetta.
6. Remember you can buy these from the shop so attempt to get dressed.
7. Discover that none of your clothes fit.
8. Question why you thought you were ready to have a baby.
9. Find a pair of leggings and pair it with partners’ biggest baggiest shirt.
10. Go to work and spend all morning panic buying maternity clothes on ASOS. Whilst thinking about pickled onion monster munch and Vienetta constantly.
11. Go out at lunchtime in search of monster munch and Vienetta, then discover that they make you sick.
12. Go back to work. Try not to throw stapler at annoying colleagues head when they tell you that you look like shit.
13. Book next day off as annual leave to await your new maternity wardrobe.
14. Return home, get back into pjs and despatch partner to the shops for smarties, smoked salmon and black olives.
15. Go to bed, but don’t sleep because you’re too excited about your new clothes arriving.
16. Spend the next day trying on all your clothes, and stuffing your maternity trousers with cushions to try to imagine what you’re going to look like fully pregnant.
17. Suddenly develop a voracious sexual appetite, and jump your partner every time he comes near you.
18. Be really upset when your partner doesn’t want to have any more sex because he’s tired. Refuse to speak to him for hours but always be thinking about sex.
Enjoy the next few months of no puking, looking nice, feeling horny and finally getting some sleep. Think everything’s going to be ok, and feel happy, content and ready to have a baby.
Ready to have a baby : Test 3
How to prepare for months 8 & 9 of pregnancy.
1. Wake up one morning in a blind panic because you haven’t bought any baby stuff.
2. Spend a week driving yourself and everybody else potty trying to decide what to buy.
3. Walk into your nearest shop selling baby stuff and hand over all your credit and debit cards and PIN numbers in exchange for half the shop.
4. Realise your car isn’t big enough for all the stuff, so call some friends to come and help take it all home.
5. Panic that your car won’t be big enough for the baby, car seat, pram and all the other stuff.
6. Spend 3 hours trying to fit the pram in your boot.
7. Cry, stamp, rage, scream and throw things in frustration.
8. Give in and go and part exchange your car for something roomier and more depressing.
9. Pack your hospital bag with enough stuff to last 2 weeks.
10. Worry that you haven’t packed enough.
11. Pack a bit more just in case.
12. Start going for a wee every 28 minutes.
13. Develop back pain, a waddle and severe heartburn.
14. Think things will all be over soon and everything will be ok.
15. Discover that you can no longer see your feet, reach your legs to shave them, or sleep without 73 pillows propping up various parts of you.
16. Spend all night getting up and down again for a wee, something to eat, a fan, a drink and then another wee.
17. Be really angry at your other half for their ability to sleep soundly without a riot going on in their belly, needing to wee, eat or drink.
18. Count down how many days until your due date.
19. Have the sudden realisation that you’re soon going to have to get the baby out. And think about where it’s got to come out from.
20. Panic at the size of your belly compared to the size of your vag.
21. Spend all night reading labour horror stories, hyperventilating and comfort eating.
22. Try to remember why you thought you were ready to have a baby.
23. Eventually fall asleep dreaming of chubby cheeks and thighs, whispy baby hair and the new baby smell.
24. Try not to punch your partner when he wakes you up 16 minutes later and asks how your slept.
Spend the rest of your pregnancy folding baby clothes, arranging baby products, watching daytime TV, eating whatever you want and napping when you can.
Don’t think about how big you’re getting. It’s all baby anyway. Right?
How are you feeling now? Think you can handle pregnancy? That’s fantastic.
Just one more thing though…
Ready to have a baby : Test 4
Sadly, only about 3% of babies come out on the day they’re supposed to. So even when you’re ready to have a baby, you’ll have to wait longer.
How to prepare for the last 12 years of pregnancy.
1. Start off nice and calm, because you know babies don’t come when they’re supposed to.
2. Obsessively start knicker watching for signs of your ‘show’.
3. Make a grab for your hospital bag every time you feel a twinge.
4. Start getting pissed off at Braxton Hicks contractions getting your hopes up.
5. Begin fielding calls from annoying family members demanding to know if you’ve “had that baby yet?”
6. Start researching ways of inducing labour yourself. (Stay away from Castor Oil. And don’t eat 7 fresh pineapples – you’ll cut your mouth to pieces.)
7. Consider updating your Facebook status to ‘Still pregnant’.
8. Consider changing your voicemail greeting to ‘still pregnant’ and putting your phone in do not disturb.
9. Attempt to convince your partner that having sex with an angry, frustrated, overly pregnant hormotional wreck will be sexy.
10. Insist on doing it in any position you can get yourself into, in an attempt to bring on labour.
11. Cry. Lots. For no reason.
12. Find a reason, and then not be able to cry about it.
13. Start poking your belly and threaten it with eviction proceedings.
14. Enjoy a new game of : Never knowing if you’re pissing yourself or if your waters have broken.
15. Finally go into labour.
How do you feel?
Do you think you can cope with all that? Great!
Congratulations on passing the test. You may now proceed to getting pregnant.
Come back in 9 months to take the next test in the ‘Ready to have a baby’ series. And we’ll find out if you’re ready for the next stage : Labour and delivery.