Teenagers are renowned for being messy, grumpy, unreasonable and sleepy. All of which I am well prepared for. But, as I have recently discovered, there are a few things that I hadn’t thought of preparing myself for. The trouble with having a teenage daughter is, on the one hand they’re still your baby, but on the other, they are rapidly approaching becoming a woman. And that comes with its own problems.

A couple of weeks ago, I was sorting out washing. Doesn’t seem like anything could go wrong with that, does it?

Wrong!!

I was doing my usual thing of separating the washing according to child. And my two youngest children (8 & 10) were helping me put it away. Now, usually, I just put the teenager’s clothes on their bed for them to put away themselves. Mostly so I don’t have to be in their bedrooms any longer than necessary. Because the trouble with that is, that I find eleventy billion mugs, plates and pieces of cutlery. And get wound up. But on this particular occasion, both teenagers were out, which meant someone had to venture into teenage land.

The trouble with asking for help

Emily and Ruby were desperate to earn pocket money to spend on Roblox, natch, so offered to help.

Emily took Joe’s stuff into his room, and Ruby took Jess’ into her room. I carried on (doing what I hate the most) sorting out socks.

I heard Ruby and Emily talking in the hallway and giggling, and assumed they were playing.
The trouble with those 2 giggling is, that they’ve either done something they shouldn’t have, or they are planning something they shouldn’t do.

A couple of minutes later, they burst into my bedroom and shoved something under my nose. It was too close to my eyes to make out what it was, but it was pink. I moved back so I could focus on it, and what did I have thrust into my face? My teenage daughter’s dildo.

I was in no way prepared for this situation.

Calmly, I asked where they had found it, and Ruby said she’d found it in one of Jess’ drawers. I told them to go and place it back exactly where it was, so Jess didn’t know she’d been in her room. Thinking (stupidly) that that would be the end of the matter.

It wasn’t.

Ruby wanted to know what it was. So I lied and said I had no idea, but that it was Jess’ and we mustn’t take her stuff out of her room.
She looked at me for a long time. Too long. Then she glanced at Emily, who gave her a little nod, then turned it on and shoved the now vibrating dildo back in my face. Asking whether I was sure I didn’t know what it was.

Help!!

Chandler Bing saying no no no is an accurate representation of my reaction to the trouble with teenagers

I was proper panicking at this point. I couldn’t think of anything other than what it was for. There were literally no white lies forming in my head. How on earth could I try to explain what it was, to 2 small girls, without telling them what it actually was?

I can’t tell you how uncomfortable I felt having my youngest daughter holding my eldest daughter’s bright pink vibrating dildo inches away from my face. It was beyond icky on so many levels.
Emily was giving me a look which said she knew that I knew what it was.

I gave her a look that said I knew that she knew that I knew. And a small shake of my head to let her know (silently) that she needed to drop it.
She stared me out, then turned to Ruby and said : It’s a pretend willy for practicing putting condoms on so you don’t get pregnant.

Passing out as a reaction to the problem with teenagers

There was so much in that little sentence that I didn’t know that she knew. How does a 10 year old know about condoms for fucks sake???

I kid you not. Ruby said :

Oh. OK. I’ll go and put it back.

Just like that. Just total acceptance that her slightly older sister knew what she was talking about. Whilst her Mother sat there floundering over what to say, with a face redder than beetroot.

Thankfully, the dildo was returned to (I assume) it’s rightful place, and it’s never been spoken about again. By any of my 3 daughters.
Thank fuck.
The trouble with this, is that I’m always waiting for it to be brought up in conversation randomly… like a parents evening maybe.

The trouble with thinking a situation is over

This week, I was left red-faced again. Not because of the small children. I was yet again doing some washing, and happened to pull something I hadn’t seen before out of the washing machine.
It was a very long (Maybe 3ft long), 2 inch wide piece of green ribbon with 2 very small lacy triangles attached to it.

I was looking at it for ages, completely stumped as to what it could be. When it finally dawned on me that it must be some kind of underwear.
But I couldn’t, for the life of me work out how it would be worn.

I assumed the small triangles were for covering breasts, and that the ribbon would be used to tying the contraption up. But it didn’t really make sense, I couldn’t visualise it. So I decided to try and work it out.

There I stood, in my pantry/utility room, fully dressed, trying to hold the triangles over my breasts and wrap the ribbon around me to form a bra. When I hear :

Mum, what the fuck are you doing?

Teenage daughter


I turned around, caught out, like a deer caught in the headlines and replied that I was trying to work out what it was for.

She couldn’t stop laughing. Now, whether that was because I looked like a complete twat trying to wrap this dainty thing around my definitely-not-dainty, fully dressed body, or whether it was just funny (to her) that I didn’t know what it was, I’ve no idea.

Or maybe it’s because it was actually a pair of knickers. Worn similar to how you would wear the bottoms of a string bikini.

That’s the trouble with doing teenage daughter’s laundry. It makes you face up to things you might not be ready to face up to just yet.

Like your daughter having a better sex life than you.

The trouble with teenagers is they make you lie on your bed and cry
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1 Comment

  1. Hey! I’m at work surfing around your blog from my new apple iphone!
    Just wanted to say I love reading through your blog and look forward to all your posts!
    Carry on the outstanding work!

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