This was originally going to be 10 things I hate about parenting, but it turns out that off the top of my head, there are 16 things I hate so much that they piss me right off.
Don’t get me wrong, I love being a parent and spending time with the 4 wonderful little (and not so little) humans I created. But any parent that tells you that they enjoy every single aspect of parenting is quite frankly a billy bullshitter.
So, grab a coffee (or a wine if it’s an appropriate time of day) and see whether there’s anything on my list of things I hate that you agree with.
1. The school run
School runs are top of the things I hate about being a parent.
Are clouds on a timer? Do they know when it’s school drop off or pick up time? How?
If it’s going to rain, it’s pretty much guaranteed that the clouds will open between 8.15 and 8.45 and then again between 2.50 and 3.30. I make the same mistake every day. I leave the house without a coat only to then regret it and curse my stupidity.
Oh and the enforced chit chat you have to have with strangers, just because you happen to stand in the same place every day? Eurgh.
I’m British, I can’t be impolite! It’s not in our nature.
2. Packed lunches
Specifically the cleaning out of lunch boxes. How is it possible to get yoghurt into the tiny corner gaps when it’s in a tube that you squirt directly into your mouth? Do children give a little
fuck you good luck squirt into their lunchbox just to keep my daily swear count up?
One of the other things I hate about this, is that yoghurt always congeals with crumbs to form some kind of rank smelling paste that turns to concrete.
The last thing I hate about lunchboxes is the fruit situation. Because, despite my children eating it like it’s going out of fashion at home, putting fruit into their lunchbox is essentially just day release for fruit. The poor fruit always comes home again uneaten, but covered in the yoghurt/crumb concrete.
3. Putting rubbish anywhere but in the bin
Argh! This is one of the biggest things I hate! How hard is it to put rubbish in a bin? When they were toddlers, I couldn’t stop them from putting everything and anything into a bin. Whether it should have been there or not.
I recently went through a stage of having a bin in every room of the house to encourage them to be more tidy. It didn’t work. I still found empty crisp packets in the couch and piles of orange peel under the beds.
Apparently they were saving me from having to empty loads of bins. How kind.
4. Finding dirty socks/underwear in unexpected places.
I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been looking for something in my handbag and pulled out a dirty sock. Or moved the couch and found a whole village of dirty crusty socks.
I have a little cupboard under my sink in my downstairs toilet. It doesn’t even have a handle to open it. But when the builders were looking for the stopcock recently, and opened the little door, they found a stash of Ruby’s knickers.
Mega embarrassing for me, but also nice to finally know where all her knickers had been disappearing to.
I thought she was eating them. Or leaving them at school. And neither of those scenarios were ideal.
Deciding on it, shopping for it, cooking it, clearing up after it. The whole thing fills me with dread. As a massive fan of food in general, I never thought that it would end up on my list of things I hate!
It’s not just a parenting meme. You actually have to decide on and cook dinner every single day for the rest of your life.
6. Stomach bugs
I hate them. I really hate them.
Having to clean puke off a carpet without also adding to it, is hands down the hardest bit of parenting for me. Even with 2 toilets in the house, a huge stash of extra duvet sets, towels and puke bowls, 4 children with a stomach bug at the same time is pure evil.
I can deal with any and every thing except for vomit. If being afraid of vomit was a thing, I definitely suffer from it. Diarrhoea I can cope with, vomit no way.
The last time a stomach bug visited us, I had to take the girls’ bunk beds apart. Poor Ruby had a very rude awakening at 3am by Emily leaning over the top bunk and throwing up all over her. She refused point blank to get back in her bed for days until I finally separated the beds.
7. Not observing the 48hr rule
Parents who send their child back to school without observing the 48hr rule, spreading the vomiting joy amongst the other parents are evil. (I actually hate you).
I know. BELIEVE me I know, how annoying and inconvenient an enforced period of time off school is. Particularly when it’s a short lived bug and the kids are feeling ok again within a couple of hours. Even if they are driving you nuts, please spare a thought for other parents. That fresh hell you’ve just been through really doesn’t need to be shared.
So. Much. Laundry. Only once this year have I actually seen the bottom of the laundry basket. How do they go through so many clothes? Am I doing for laundry for their friends? Is there someone who sneaks in at night and adds to the massive pile hoping I won’t notice?
The laundry really is adulthood’s never ending story. The specific things I hate about laundry is when the children put their still clean and neatly folded clothes in the dirty basket because they’re too lazy to put it away. I’m tired, but I’m not that tired to not notice what you’ve done.
9. The cost of fruit
I basically live with 4 fruit bats. What hasn’t been eaten while I’m still unpacking the shopping rarely lasts more than your average stomach bug. I think fruit is my biggest monthly extravagance.
What a sad life I lead.
10. Who, what, where am I again?
Not recognising who I am any more. I mean, fruit being my biggest extravagance in life? Who saw that one coming? Certainly not me. Do I have a name other than Mum? Not really, no.
Other things I hate about this, are never knowing what day it is, what time it is or why I went into a different room.
11. Lying to children while also teaching them not to lie
At around maybe 8 years old, children start questioning the authenticity of the tooth fairy’s letters, and whether Santa is real. But you’re not ready to give up on the last bit of childhood magic so you full-on lie about it.
It feels a bit hypocritical to be lecturing them in one breath about not telling lies about who wrote ‘willy willy bumhole’ on their bedroom wall, but then also lying through your teeth about a fat man coming down a chimney who wants to leave them presents for no reason because they wrote him a list of demands.
12. Never being able to pee in peace
Whether they’re in the same room watching. Or shouting just loud enough from another room that I hear ‘Mum’ but everything else is an annoying series of mumbles. Or posting notes under the bathroom door saying ‘I’m watching you’, (Thanks Emily). I am never truly alone in the bathroom. Even if I announce my intention and ask to be left alone for 2 minutes, the second my cheeks hit the seat, contact with one of the four is established in some way. And if they aren’t disturbing me somehow, the bloody cat sits outside meowing or scratching at the door.
13. The lack of sleep
Maybe this one should be top of my list of things I hate. But as I’m so unlucky with sleep, I thought 13 would be appropriate.
This one is murder.
I expected nights of broken sleep with babies, but it never occurred to me that it would start all over again when they hit teenage hood. If I’m not having my sleep stolen by people playing Fifa and screaming at the TV, or by people who shout every phone conversation, or coming in at random times of the night banging doors and falling over stuff, it’s pretty much guaranteed that someone else will be ill, or not able to sleep or appear in my bed in the middle of the night and steal 3/4 of my bed and any remaining chance of getting some sleep.
I don’t call them my sleep thieves for nothing you know.
14. Always asking ME for everything
Even if their Dad is visiting from Scotland and they haven’t seen him for months, they will still ask me for absolutely everything. Is this is any different in 2 parent households? My children will literally get off the couch where they are sitting with their Das, and come and ask me for something even if I’m upstairs in the shower.
They also never look for anything. If the need to find something, they’d rather ask ME than open their eyes. 82% of the time, the thing they want is right in front of their face. But why bother using your eyes when you can disturb someone peeing?
15. Repetitive questioning
Every sentence starting with “Mum can I tell you something?” or “Mum do you want me to tell you something?” 9 times out of 10 it’s to do with something they’ve seen on YouTube and what I really want to answer is:
“No. I couldn’t care less what they’ve done with a watermelon this time”Me. 2017 onwards.
My of course you can always tell me anything darling, approach to parenthood prevents me from being able to say no. So I have to listen. Even if its the 15th time I’ve been told the same thing in the space of an hour. I read somewhere that if you listen to the small things, children will always come to you with the big things, so this had better pay off in the future.
16. Growing up too quickly
Not just growing out of their clothes faster than you ever thought possible. I mean when they’re too big to fit on your lap for a cuddle. Or when they’ve hurt themselves but they’re too big to pick up and carry home. Or when they give you a withering glare instead of saying I love you too when you drop them off at school. Or when they don’t want to be seen with you in public. Or when they’d rather spend all their birthday money in TopShop rather than a Toy Shop.
They just grow up too damn quickly and one day these things I hate now, will no doubt become fond memories.
Ok, maybe not fond memories, but it will all be in the past. And maybe then I’ll be able to sleep when I want, eat what I want, do what I want, pee alone and maybe even work out who I am.
Or maybe I’ll just be promoted to Nanny and it will all start over again.
I hope it’s the latter 🙂